I Want to Be Madonna
This CD has songs that are funny,weird,strange,original,artistical,poetic,ear catching,feet tapping,mind blowing,thought probing, & not just your average normal folk songs for you and the whole family,AND Don't forget to listen to the jokes ! and there are some serious ones too. Hey check out the lyrics and see what you think: 1. Just a Noise This is just a noise KAZOO sound ~~~~~~~~ Yep ! for the next 30 minutes just noise Now actaully if this was really an emergency, well you'ld be tuff luck Because your not listening to the radio,your listening to my tape. 2. My Name is Art My Name Is Art And I'm not you And I don't always do The things you want me to You say play the Boss Or play some Queen But I'm not into that Imitation thing You know Elvis is dead And I'm alive And I don't like no Imitation jive Because a clone don't make A very good Rock Star Because you never really know Who they are Imitating everyone Everyday I'd rather play my own songs My own way Said my name is ART And I'm not you And I don't always do The things you want me to You say play the Beatles? Or play some Supremes But I'm not into that Imitation thing 3.WHAT Radio Station W.H.A.T. WHAT ? WHAT radio station ? Yeah WHAT ? What radio station is this ? I don't know ? I think it's WHAT ! 4. My Mother is Reading a Book 1.There's earthquakes on the ground There's thunder in the air There's a gorilla over there Who's eating the mirror In the kitchen if you look There's an aligator cook But my mother don't care She's reading a book Chorus 1 : Yeah my mother don't care She's reading a book She ain't gonna bother She ain't gonna look Go away from me now I don't care anyhow I don't care if it's Father Brown riding an elephant on a clown 2.Meanwhile Captain Marvel Is riding a dinosaur There are snakes and vampires Coming up from the floor A giants about to smash the house But my mothers not shook Yeah my mother don't care She's reading a book Chorus 2 : Yeah my mother don't care She's reading a book She ain't gonna bother She ain't gonna look Go away from me now I don't care anyhow I don't care if it's a 6 headed man eating cow 3.KAZOO solo Hey mom look ! Hey mom there's a parade ! They got a polka band and everything Hey mom come here and look ! But my mother don't care she's reading a book Chorus 3 : Yeah my mother don't care She's reading a book She ain't gonna bother She ain't gonna look Go away from me now I don't care anyhow I don't care if the whole town has been painted florescent brown 5. Exaggeration How do I love you, how shall I say? I'd climb the sears tower even in the pouring rain I'd do a million loop d loops in a fluorescent green plane I'd climb Mount Everest and write in huge letters your name How do I love you, how shall I show ? If you were ice cream I'd never be full I'd write a million letters to everywhere you go And tell you a million things I want you to know Exaggeration I guess it is true It's hard to explain my feelings for you Feelings deep inside of me I love you for eternity for eternity times eternity times eternity And if you ever decide you don't love me Well you can go, yeah you can leave My heart forever for you will bleed All the tears I cry will over flood all of the seas Exaggeration I guess it is true It's hard to explain my feelings for you Feelings deep inside of me I love you for eternity for eternity times eternity times eternity times eternity times eternity times eternity times eternity times eternity times eternity times eternity 6.WEIRD Radio Station W.E.I.R.D. WEIRD radio station ! Are we WEIRD ? Are you WEIRD ? Everybody get WEIRD ! 7.Roses Blood Red/Voilets Dark Blue Roses blood red Violets dark blue? I really dread? Ever knowing you? Last night you kiss me? Now I've got the flew? Roses blood red Violets dark blue?? You told me you love me? Then you stabbed me in the back? Now I really don't know? Why you ever did that? Could it be you think I'm ugly? Maybe I think your ugly too? Roses blood red? Violets dark blue?? Now your out walking around? With a 3 headed man? Now what you see in him? I don't understand? He's only got 3 heads? You've got 22? Roses blood red? Violets dark blue? 8. Super Duper Loud Noize Super duper loud noise So what if we can't play an instrument Super duper loud noise Yeah we may not have any talent Super duper loud noise We just want to yell at the government Super duper loud noise No brains or common sense Super duper loud noise With deep emotional intent Super duper loud noise Yeah we're anti-establishment Super duper loud noise So what if you don't have you parents consent Super duper loud noise Well it's not entertainment No it's not entertainment We may not be musically incline But don't you like our niffy designs We may not be musically incline But if the blind will still lead the blind We may not be musically incline But as long as we get paid then everything is fine We may not be musically incline But the lyrics are politically subline We may not be musically incline The critics hate us but we don't mind We may not be musically incline But we try to sing like John Prine We may not be musically incline Yesterday's gone and it's behind We may not be musically incline But who cares as long as the lyrics rhyme 9. Your Car is a UFO It was inspired by The Dead Milkman's Bitchin' Camaro and it's kind of an answer to their song. 1.Your car is a U.F.O. When your car goes,it really goes It don't know the word no It don't know the word slow It only knows the word go 2.Your car is a U.F.O. Your foot just likes the word fast When your foot is on the gas Every car you pass Turns into ash You know your just too fast 3.Your car is a U.F.O You're light years away You're way to fast You're a cosmic jet ace You're out in outer space Light years away Your bodies in the grave You got hit by a train At the funeral: Dearly Beloved We are gathered here today For our fellow fast car driver He was very intelligent I guess But not highly that intelligent because he never saw that sign and got Well as you can see he no longer can drive fast So it's now safe to walk across the street these days and well AMEN 10. KLONE Radio Station This is KLONE radio station. Yeah we're like everyone else. We're a klone.Do you have your favorite radio station ? We sound like them. We're not different. We're not unique. We're KLONE. 11. Choke Soda Choke soda ! Try some it really taste good ! One sip (sipping sound) Augh I can't talk I'm choking ! 12. I Want To Be Madonna ? 1.I want to be Madonna ? I want to be a Rock star I want to be Madonna ? I want to keep changing the color of my hair I want to be in all the tabloids I want to be gossip about everywhere And when I come in the room I want everyone to stair Chorus: I want to be Madonna ? I want to be Madonna ? I want to be Madonna How about you ? I want to be Madonna ? I want to be Madonna ? I want to be Madonna Wouldn't that be cool ? 2.I want to be Madonna ? Look at how much money she makes I want to be Madonna ? Look at those hot video takes And if I was Madonna ? Maybe I could be a little stuck up If they offered me a movie contract I could say the money is not enough 13. 99-99 * Chorus:99-99 99-9 99-99 99-9 1.This is a different state of mind In another state of time* 2.Rules are rules and they are fine But once the cake is gone the ice-creams mine* 3.It's a vertical beyond the Horizontal line It's a nucleus with a cosmic design* 14. Monument To Nothing It's a terrific,fantastic,wonderful,glorious monument to nothing You work all your life just to build a castle out of junk to watch it explode It's a gloroius,wonderful,fantastic,terrific monument to nothing In vain you work all your life just to get to the top to retire Your beautiful, yes it's true, in that suit, that dress, WHOOPS !(you crash) I guess that's life We can't keep the things we earn: the trophies,the tokens,the treasures turn to dust It's a marvelous,glorious,fantastic,terrific monument to nothing And in the end,after it all,in the finale end all that matters is not your life,but LOVE 15. KRUD Radio Station This is KRUD radio station. It's KRUD ! You don't like music you like crud. Listen to our station we have crud. 16. Taco Green Paste On Cardboard Taco green paste on cardboard With a cola that taste like it came from the gas tank of a lawn more French fries really warped With salt and grease And extra catch up If you say please It taco green paste on cardboard For a price that you can really afford Just 45 cents It's a real deal To bad there's nothing substantial in it To really call it a meal Taco green paste on cardboard With extra hot sauce if you want more I saw you there just the other day You were having a feast To bad you puke it all On my friend Denise Taco green paste on cardboard Taco green paste on cardboard The Food is Really Cool The food is really cool. The Rock Star wears sun glasses The food is really cool The Rock Star has a leather jacket The food is really cool The Rock Star drives a The food is really cool The Rock Star has a beautiful blonde The food is really cool The Rock Star says it is The food is really cool I'm not sure the Rock Star eats it The food is really cool But the Rock Star says he likes it The food is really cool And the Rock Star says you'll enjoy it The food is really cool The food is really cool 17 The Food Is Cool This song is titled wrong on the CD and should be titled: Won't It Feel Good and the song The Food is Cool is the 2nd part of Taco Green Paste on Cardboard This is a song about how I feel about Nuclear Waste,Pollution and Acid Rain I don't want to sit around yelling, cussing, screaming or just stand around and complain But once we're dead won't it feel good Said once we're dead won't it feel good This is a letter to you Mr President And to the Congress I know you really understand And once we're dead won't it feel good Said once we're dead won't it feel good This is also a letter to you who own the big companies I know you care more about money than what we really need And once we're dead won't it feel good Said once we're dead won't it feel good 18. Won't It Feel Good This song is titled wrong and is really Just A Pest This is just a pest Kazoo~~ I'm annoying you Kazoo~~ I'm annoying you Just a pest There is no reason for it It's not a test It's not even a need or it's just annoyance Guitar strumming Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha 19. Just A Pest This song is really the song Confindentually Sincerely Goodbye. Well now the headaches gone but I feel like a rag You know dust and dawn everywhere I've been dragged You told me you loved me then you hit me in the nose You gave me a kiss with a thorn invested rose You know I care but I just don't dare Jump in the jungle with a lion, tiger, man eating bear I know I'm in need of a helping hand But I rather work for welfare than be your old man You said you loved me, you were true Then you turned out to be someone else's stolen jewels You had such good alibis No matter how much camel-flouge a lie is stiil a lie I don't know what I'm gonna do But I'd rather freeze in the north pole than be with you I'd rather burn up in the dessert by the equator I'd rather be eating by 16 million alligators Well don't come over, don't visit, don't write Cause I'm allergic to you, I just might die If you happen to see me don't even wink your eye Confidently sincerely forever goodbye Confidently sincerely forever goodbye Confidently sincerely forever goodbye Confidently sincerely forever goodbye And if you happen to see me don't even wink your eye Confidently sincerely forever goodbye 20. Confidentially Sincerely Forever Goodbye This song is really the song If You Knew me & I Knew you If you knew me And I knew you Would you wonder If it were true Would you wonder Would you sigh Would you think Sometimes I lie Would I trust With my heart Would I dare To even start If I knew you If I knew Would I ever wonder If it were true When we've been friends For many years Through the pain And through the tears Through the good times And the bad Now it's over Was it sad You told me once You told me twice Now I don't remember Was it good advice 21. Jesus Has Given Me You Jesus has given me you Jesus has given me to you to So let us try our best To treat each other as guest Jesus has given me you And Jesus has given me to you to So we need not to lie Cause we've got nothing to hide Jesus has given me you And Jesus has given me to you to So let us love one another And treat each other as sister and brother Jesus has given me you And Jesus has given me to you to Everybody out there It's really easy Jesus has given me you And this part is easy too Jesus has given me to you to Jesus has given me you And Jesus has given me to you to So let us do our best To treat each other as guest 22. A News Bulletin We interrupt you local broadcasting to bring you this news announcement: Elvis has just been elected The President of the United States so now you must listen to 24 hours of Elvis music. Yep this is Elvis and I'm your President and I want you to listen to my music all the time. Yes and eat lots of Peanut Butter and Banana Sandwiches 23. You Better Watch This Someone ask me for a theme song for their cable TV review show but then they never got back to me about it but since I wrote it anyhow I thought I might as well record it. You better watch this You better watch this The TV said to me thee other day you are my slave you must watch TV all the day You better watch this You better watch this I know that life can be the pits but if your bored turn on the set You better watch this You better watch this 24. Kermit The Frog After Shave Kermit the Frog After Shave. Have you been having problems trying to get piggies to go out with you on a date.. You know female pigs will not go for just anything And Kermit the Frog ought to know He's had a lot of experience dating Miss Piggy And so if your having problems dating female pigs try Kermit the Frog After Shave And if you try it now will also send you Kermit The Frog bow tie to go with it Yes you too can be like Kermit the Frog 25. Greene I actaully did have these really weird Kelly Green pants that I sometimes wore around Christmas and I had this really weird half crazy kind of girlfriend who did die her hair green once just for to shock her boyfriends.But the song was also kind of inspired by Kermit the Frogs Green song and by the theme of Green that runs through most of the CD. I've got a pair of pants they're greeneeeeeeeeee I knew a girl, she dyed her hair greeneeeeeeeeee The sky is blue The sky is blue The sky is blue The sky is blue You may think this song is obsceneeeeeeeeee It's just because you don't like the color greeneeeeeeeeeeee The sky is blue The sky is blue The sky is blue The sky is blue The sky is blue You may think your in a dreammmmmmmmmmm Is it because your face just turned greeneeeeeeeeeeee The sky is blue The sky is blue The sky is blue The sky is blue The sky is blue 26.The Joy of Snow 1.The joy of snow Just falling down It's beautiful glow All around It makes laugh It makes me dance It makes sing Just at it's glance 2.Thank you God For the snow Thank you God For it's role Because when the skier Wants to ski He/She goes down hill And yells out weeeeeeeeee! 27. Thanksgiving Stuffing Inspired by watching to many Stove Top Stuffing Commercials, eating Stove Top Stuffing and wondering why I don't like it and going to restuarants on holidays and discovering they are out of the very thing you want on that holiday.My Mother made great stuffing and so does my wife and my sister Mary but don't ask me to do it.Culinary is truly an art that if it is done right it is brilliant but if you slighty mess it up a little this way and that you might be better off just having a burger or pizza.And TV dinner stuffing is never the same as the homemade stuff. Thanksgiving stuffing brought to you by thanksgiving stuffing The easy way is to buy a box of oven top stuffing which can be bought in any store. It cost a whole lot more than the ingredients. Then read the directions and get confused. You could take all the leftovers out of your refrigerator and mixed them altogether and decide you don't like what you got and throw them out. Remember mold taste real good in stuffing And then there's Grandma recipe. It's real complicated but you try it anyhow. So you got all the ingredients together and you start to make it when halfway it either walks off, or you get puzzled and you called Grandma and find out she never could make it neither Or you go to an expensive restaurant where you like the food and find out they don't have any stuffing on the menu today because they ran out of it By the way this was brought to you by thanksgiving stuffing 28. I Bet On The Packers Inspired by a losing Packers. Regretfully it was written the year before the Packers went to the Super Bowl. But somehow I believe people like this song even when the Packers win because it seems to be something that makes Bear,Viking & Lion fans happy. And though I am a Packer fan I still say they are so inconsistant I wouldn't bet on them because one moment they are winning the next moment they are throwing the game. 1.I bet on the Packers and I lost my car To some crazy dude down at the local bar I bet on the Packers and I lost my car It was a Model T Ford What a lousy score I bet on the Packers and I lost my car 2.I bet on the Packers and I lost my house too Not to mention all my money,the T.V.,and the family jewels I bet on the Packers and I lost my house too It had a 2 car garage My chances of winning went like a mirage I bet on the Packers and I lost my car 3.To some crazy dude down at the local bar Someone mentioned his name,his name was Bart Star (Bret Favre) To some crazy dude down at the local bar He must of not been that crazy Cause he got all my money I bet on the Packers and I lost my car,my house,my money,my jewels,my clothes ........ 29. The Fist Church of Beatlemania Join the 1st Church of Beatlemania. Yes this is the Reverend Paul McCartney Smith telling you all you need is love so send us your money because money can't buy you love and love is all you need. Our 40 member quire knows over 100 Beatle songs and are dressed in Sgt Pepper's Lonely Heart Club's Band uniforms. Whether your Lady Madonna or Mr. Nowhereman you'll really feel at home in our air conditioned apple shape auditorium which is only 3 blocks from EMI studios on Abbey road or was that Crabby ? Well anyways we have the immortal words of Ringo Starr, John Lennon, Paul McCartney, & George Harrison in a large bold black print on gold paper on leather bond book which can be yours for a single donation of a $100 dollars. Also included with the $100 dollars is a 5 year membership in our church and your own Beatle wig. This book which we have title the Beatle Bible includes interviews with not only the immortal Beatles but also their dreams, their ideas, their idols, their idol' idols, their idol' idol' idol' idols, their friends and family. If your one of the first 500 to join this month will also send you the Beatle Hymn Book. Yes you can be a Beatle ! Join the first church of Beatlemania and love-love our church. 30. I Met A Snow Woman I met a snow woman all made out of snow She was really pretty but she was really cold She told me she loved me and I started to sneeze I met a snow woman who really made me freeze I met snow woman all made out of snow I tried kiss her nearly froze my lips off She wanted to snuggle, I started to cough She gave numonia yeah I nearly did die So I told my snow woman I got to see you later goodbye 31. The Christmas Book Club Join the Christmas Book Club ! Our latest best sellers are: Martyred Trees Are Dying Saint Nicholas is the Pope The Red on Santa's Clothes Means He's a Communist From The USSR And Reindeer Can't Fly We still sell last years best sellers which were: An Old Man Running Around in His Red Long Johns is a Disgrace to Society Stay Off The Sauce Rudolph And Yes Virginia Your Dad is Lying These are our other Christmas Books we sell for half price: C. A. Christmas Carol Anonymous: Tips to Help You Over Come Being Addicted to Watching Christmas Carols or Other Christmas Specials like It's A Wonderful Part 2 Here's another Book: Gosh Santa Your Clothes Are Really Out Of Style Here's the last one And Santa's Really Working for The CIA Send Check or Money order to: Fly By Night Books 1414 Rip You Off street Suckerville,Wisconsin Or just send your credit card number and will send you all the books. 32. Santa's in Jail You may be wondering why Santa never came Well, it's not his fault-No! He's not to blame He's been in jail for all these years And it's not for drunk driving (he never drinks liquor maybe 1 or 2 beer) No! They thought he might have robbed the train And when they found out he was innocent, they kept him in jail because they thought he was insane I guess that red suit gave him away They said anyone who dresses like that must be insane (that's what they did say) Well after all hope fails, all hope fails And because they think he's insane, they won't let him get no bail Chorus: Santa ! Santa ! Santa's in Jail ? Santa Claus is in Jail They think he's insane; they won't let him get no bail Santa Claus is in Jail (With a real crying voice) Santa Claus is in Jail Santa Claus is in Jail Well, I hope you have a good Christmas- A Christmas snow white And I hope you get lots of cards and letters for everyone you do write But if it starts to rain and to sleet and starts to hail Be thankful you're not Santa because Santa's in jail (go back to the chorus) 33. Santa is Elvis You know I have a theory on this Santa Claus stuff Elvis is Santa And you know a they say Santa is everywhere and they say Elvis is everywhere And you a they're both fat You know and the one day of the year you never hear of Elvis performing was on Christmas and you know Santa well that's the one day he works all year. And a well you know there's a couple other theories here you know Elvis makes a lot of money performing and well Santa got have a lot money to give all those gifts away Well and the last one is that no one really know where they're at And so maybe Elvis is Santa or maybe Santa works for the CIA 34. 3-6 Headed Chorus: 3-6 headed, 3-6 headed 3-6 headed, 3-6 headed Martins coming !, Martins Coming ! Are you running ? Are you running ? 1. Step right up and be abducted By 3-6 headed martins They won't eat you, their not hungry They just want to terrorize you 2. You wake up and you realize It was just a dream Then you look outside your window And you see a giant spaceship 3. Hey is that Santa ? Is he on his sleigh ? I don't know: Maybe it is ? Maybe it's not ? He's coming down the chimney but his suit is green and he's got 6 heads 35. My New Year's Resolution My News Year's Resolution Is not to invent something that would rid the world of pollution I know it would be nice but I don't have the skills to do it And though I have love and hope and am confident I'm not sure I'd be a good president My New Year's Resolution Is not some long lost solution To save the world from starving It sounds rather neat and charming But some people don't give contributions even if I do Darling For New Years I'm not planning to make promises I can't keep I'm not promising to make quotations oh so deep To be brilliant beyond myself would just be a lie Reality is real, I can not deny My New Year's Resolution is I will be I 36. I Married An Irish Lassy 4. I'm A Prince by The Artist still known as Art Paul Schlosser I had the strangest dream All in the color green I dreamt I married an Irish Lassy To marry me she was happy Before I could marry her I had to decide which one was her This was hard to guess I didn't know which was yes Because they both had the same color hair Yeah they both had the same color hair So before I answer your test I have another test I perfumed each room With a different scent of perfume One had the scent of roses The other had clover doses I said to her Father I choose the one that that chooses clover This was a very good plan Smarter than any Lepharchon For one was Irish The other was Sweedish And now you know the finale end De Dit De Dit De Dit 37. Spring Well your sitting by the window and the bluebirds they do sing The flowers they are blooming do you think it might be spring ? Well the snow has all been melted and the kite is on a string Well the days are get longer and the trees are turning green Well the guys are acting weird and the girls they all do scream Is there something in the weather do you think it might be spring ? Well your going to a picnic and your acting mighty keen Well their swimming in the water and the water looks so clean Could it be but just a nightmare could it be but just a dream You sneeze because of pollen you know it must be spring 38. You Don't Always Get What You're Due 1.Patience is a virtue Dreams don't always come true Skies are gray Skies are Blue You don't always get what you're due 2.Hold on,don't leave so soon Maybe life will change it's tune But if it don't Or if it do Remember it's just because: 3.Everyone gets their chance You may still get a chance to dance but maybe not The way you want to You may dream but life makes the rules 39. Train Train Train don't come around here no more Train Train don't come around here no more We used to have a train But that was before the nuclear war 40. Oh I was watching a show about 50s rock and then started making up this song. Chorus (sung in a high voice): Oh-Oh Oh-Oh Oh-Oh Oh Oh-Oh Oh-Oh Oh-Oh No Oh Darling Oh Darling I stub my toe Oh-Oh Oh-Oh Oh-Oh Oh 1.Kazoo solo~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 2.(Talked in a low voice)You know darling last week when I was going to visit you You know darling last week I swear it's true I was walking near your house and I kicked a pole Yeah darling last week I stub my toe And that's why,and that's why,that's the very reason why Right now this very moment I do cry (go back to the chorus) 41. The End This end our day of broadcast No more shows You can turn the TV off now Why aren't you turning the TV off ? Did I just say this end are day of broadcast ? Okay I'm not funny I'm not being funny Turn The TV Off ! 42. I Know I know what your thinking I know what you think I know what your thinking Your thinking I don't know 43. You Don't Gotta Die 1.You don't gotta die You don't gotta die You don't gotta die and kill yourself Just cause you don't got that much wealth 2.You don't gotta go You don't gotta go You don't gotta go you know they may have told you it was so But the truth they didn't really know 3.You don't gotta leave You don't gotta leave You don't gotta leave and make yourself to bleed Cause once your dead alive you won't be 4.There is hope for you There is hope for you There is hope for you above all the strife Jesus came that you might have thee abundent life 5.There is hope for you There is hope for you There is hope for you beyond all your blues God he loves you so very true 6.Put away the knife Put away the knife Put away the knife.